


The Abandoned Mask

by notyourparadigm



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Drug Use, Gen, Kallen punches someone which is always fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-03-07 04:05:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3160532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notyourparadigm/pseuds/notyourparadigm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate take on the events of R2 Episode 7 of the same name. What if Kallen had arrived a little too late in Shinjuku? With Lelouch out of happily hallucinating and completely out of commission, Kallen will have to make quick allies with his self-proclaimed brother if Zero is ever to return to the battlefront.</p>
<p>Not pairing heavy, but features the dynamics of Kallen/Lelouch and Rolo/Lelouch along the lines of what was shown in the anime. Some minor headcanons concerning Refrain and its effects. Some lucky coincidences. Could be canon if you squinted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Abandoned Mask

Lelouch wasn’t sure why he was laughing. The sight of the Britannian and his hired Japanese muscle was hardly amusing— if anything, it was a disturbingly surreal sight, the dark alleyway filled with unnatural smiles, fanatical counting, howling, and Lelouch’s laughter rising above all else. It was a terrible sound, accompanied by a feeling that writhed and twisted in his stomach, partially painful and suffocating, partially blissful in the fact that it smothered away the other, hollow pain that had been slowly swallowing everything it could reach. Perhaps he was laughing because nothing about the scene was funny in the slightest. 

The only one in the alley who had any semblance of sanity to him was the Eleven that cowered on the ground, outside of Lelouch’s circle of obedient performers, eyes drawn wide with horror at the mad scene before him. He seemed incapable of standing, limbs quivering beneath him as he fumbled for words. “Wha…who are you? What are you doing to them?”

After his laughter subsided, Lelouch looked down upon the bruised and bloodied man, a small grin remaining on his face as he ignored the questions. “So you’re still here? You should have escaped while you had the chance. That’s most unfortunate…”

He crossed his arms in thought as he approached the man, one finger tapping on his arm in a disjointed rhythm. 

“Do you know why you are down there right now? It’s because our society values power above all else. These men all had power. The Britannian had wealth and status to control the low-ranking Japanese men, who in turn had the physical strength to control you. A hierarchy of power in rank and body, a cruel pyramid that puts people like you at the bottom. In this society, those with power are the ones who control and shape the world, while the weak must bow their heads and accept what they are given. Does having power make you right? Does being weak make you wrong? It’s an illogical system, if power determines our ethics. But perhaps logic and ethics aren’t meant to mix…”

Despite standing directly above him, Lelouch denied the man eye contact, curling his hands into fists.

“Ethics are just full of contradictions and paradoxes. If someone commits murder, we deal justice by murdering them in return… two identical actions, and yet one is immoral while the other is just. If we destroy evil with more evil, do we succeed in removing evil in the world? Or do we only propagate an endless cycle of suffering and pain?” He gave a small, cheerless laugh. “Logic has no place in ethics. There is no logic to this disaster of a world we live in… create a system intended to serve the people, and you just have to wait for corruption and greed to turn it into a trap of oppression and abuse.”

He stared down at his left hand, examining the palm and fingers as if they were pages of a book.  

“Attempt to destroy those that would hurt and betray others, and all you’ll succeed in doing is replacing them as the new evil in the world.”

Lelouch’s voice began to break as he spoke, raising the shaking hand to his face. The Eleven seemed to have finally regained some of his senses as he stood himself up, turning to leave with one cautious eye on Lelouch.

“Wait,” he called out calmly, despite his physically shaken appearance. The man froze in place. “I’m afraid I’ve been a little careless tonight… these men may not remember me, but that also means they won’t have learned their lesson tonight. And, unfortunately… I’ve left a witness to my little display here.”

The man did not have to ask who the witness was. Alas, he did not have time to move before Lelouch lowered his hand from his face, locking his gaze on the man.

“Kill all of these men. You will then forget everything that happened here.” 

A wave of relief filled the man’s face, as a pale red glow filled his relaxed eyes. “Of course. Right away.”

He walked right past Lelouch without so much as a second glance, pulling a knife from his jacket pocket as he approached the first of the six Elevens. It slid quickly across the man’s throat, a narrow stream of red flashing in the air, soaking the newfound murder’s hands and arms.

“So you had that knife on you this whole time, huh…” Lelouch watched vacantly as the first body fell to the ground. The Britannian was next on the knife, who somehow managed a few more push-ups before he felt the effects of the blood loss. “I suppose pulling it when you were outnumbered would have been rather stupid. Still… I wonder how you would have killed them if you didn’t have a weapon. Would you have smothered them? Tried to break their neck? You don’t look like you have the strength to pull that off…”

Two more bodies were down. Lelouch did not really want to be around when the Eleven had finished his job and found seven dead bodies around him, bloody knife in hand and no memory of how or why. He stepped carefully around the pool of blood growing from the Britannian’s body, bending down to pick up the syringe that lay forgotten beside his head. 

“I’ll be taking this, if you don’t mind. I don’t think any of you will be needing it anyways.”

Lelouch had only made it a block away before he heard the horrified scream; he was tempted to laugh again.

* * *

It hardly seemed possible, but the Shinjuku Ghetto looked even more depressing than Kallen remembered it. Various signboards declared the area as a ‘Redevelopment Zone’, but there was no sign of construction workers or their tools to be found anywhere. It had been several months since the redevelopment was halted for the completion of ‘more pressing’ projects— all of which, conveniently, benefitted the Britannian public rather than the Japanese still awaiting for their homes to be rebuilt. 

Kallen navigated the area carefully, one hand firmly grasping the hidden blade that she had stashed in her sweater; the few sulking shadows she saw wandering around didn’t look particularly threatening, but it was always better to be on guard. It wouldn’t be the first time she was attacked by a fellow Japanese citizen—  her Britannian appearance was meant to help protect her from unwanted attention, but at times it felt more like a cruel curse when her own people looked at her with such contempt and hatred. She didn’t blame them. Why did she deserve to live a comfortable life while others struggled to even survive?

Going by  _Stadtfeld_ made her feel like a traitor. It felt good to get rid of the name. Every time she heard her friends and comrades call out  _Kozuki,_ she felt a little closer to retribution _._   _Stadtfeld_ was just another complacent Britannian student;  _Kozuki_  was fighting for a better future. She would see their Japan returned to them as one of the Black Knights. 

But the Black Knights were nothing without Zero. None of the others knew his true identity, and so none of them would be able to guess why he fell off the map so suddenly. That meant it fell to Kallen to find him and figure a way to get him back in the game. 

Shinjuku was the birthplace of Zero, and so Kallen had no doubt that he would return there now. He had nowhere else to go— he wouldn’t go to HQ, and he certainly wouldn’t be returning to the painful innocence of school. If she knew anything about Zero — about Lelouch — it was that he took significance in everything. At such a difficult time, he could only go somewhere important to do… well, to do whatever it was he had to do.

Before Kallen knew Zero’s identity, he had always seemed above human limitations, above emotions and weakness and even defeat. He was a leader; a symbol of hope for a dying rebel faction. It was a different feeling now that she knew there was a human face behind that stoic mask. Zero was an unstoppable force and perfect leader. Lelouch was just another human being, with weaknesses and flaws. As much as the brilliance of his planning and strategic skills was undeniable, he still was just one person. And every person had weak points.

But by the same token, humans could be motivated. Ever since his first appearance, Zero had pushed and driven the Black Knights from simple terrorists to the most well-known revolutionists in existence. It was time to return the favour. Kallen wasn’t entirely sure how she was going to do it, but she mentally prepared a few things to say, trying to remember the words of motivation that Zero had given her before. 

During her search, she almost missed Lelouch entirely, at first mistaking him for another sulking shadow of some homeless Japanese person looking for somewhere to sleep. It wasn’t until she heard a faint, familiar laugh that she recognized the silhouette strewn across a stack of disused construction material. 

_What a way to see the mighty Zero…_ “I’d knew I’d find you here. This is where it all began…”

But Lelouch wasn’t listening. He didn’t even turn to face Kallen as she made her approach; he continued laughing to himself, hands folded contentedly across his chest. 

“I really need to talk to you, Lelouch. Everybody’s looking for you. For Zero.” Kallen took a few more steps closer, positioning herself directly ahead of Lelouch so he’d have no choice but to look at her, but he kept his head bowed and eyes hidden.  _He’s got some nerve, after I came all the way out here to find him._ “This is no time to be sitting around in self-pity. We need to regroup and think of another plan, that’s all! Tell us what to do. We’re ready to fight for you. We just need orders.”

His head swayed lightly from side to side, mouth curled into an innocent smile.  _Is he mocking me?_ Kallen wasn’t in the mood for games. She grabbed one of the arms from his chest, pulling him upright and forcing his eyes to meet her own. “Hey! Are you listening to me?”

She knew she wasn’t going to get an answer when she saw the hazy, distant look in Lelouch’s eyes. Her voice caught in her throat as she looked down at his raised arm, instantly recognizing the small dimples that punctured the exposed skin. Impulse forced her to take a step back, her heel jolting as it knocked against the empty injector on the ground with a noisy clatter.

“No…” Kallen shook her head, Lelouch’s hand dropping from her grasp and swinging at his side like a lop-sided pendulum. “You… you  _idiot—_!”

Lelouch flopped his head to one side, eyes still glazed and unseeing. “How does that song go again, Nunnally…?  _Sakura, sakura… hana zakari…_ ”

His voice trailed off, but his head continued to nod in rhythm to the unheard melody, and his smile only grew in size. 

“You’ve got such a lovely singing voice. You should have Sayoko teach you more songs…”

Kallen had never seen Lelouch act so sweetly, nor had she seen him look so happy. Her stomach was growing weaker the longer she looked at him.  _What sort of coward are you, Lelouch?! Zero would never… he’d never…_

For a while, Lelouch fell quiet again, giving no signs of what visions he saw other than the pleased smirk on his face and the occasional twitch of his fingers. 

“So is this it? Is this the end of Zero?” Kallen took a few steps back, looking over the pathetic image of the man she had once admired above all others. “This is how you give up on me? And the Black Knights? And Japan?! You just let yourself rot away in some dark place, giggling to yourself like a dead-brained idiot?”’

Lelouch’s voice was a half-whisper, “…h-hey-! Slow down… not all of us can read Braille so quickly…”

The heat that grew in Kallen’s face was almost unbearable. Her jaw drew tight involuntarily, and with only half a thought she found herself stepping towards the mumbling body, fist striking across his cheek and nose with an audible  _crack_. Lelouch toppled over happily without any attempt to break his fall, opting instead to let his head bounce off the pavement. After a moment of bated silence, Lelouch gave a friendly huff of discomfort to the ground.

“…ow…! C’mon Suzaku, go easy on me…” His words were partially absorbed by the pavement and partially slurred by the thick lines of blood that sprayed messily across his face, focused around his nose. “Y’gotta at least gimme a chance… ‘m not a samurai…”

“Suzaku-?!” Kallen’s memory flashed back to Kamine Island, when Suzaku and Lelouch had guns aimed at each other’s heads, matching the venomous glares in each others’ eyes. It was an image well-fixed in her memory— she couldn’t count how many times she replayed the scene in her head, kicking herself over and over again for her cowardice in running away.  _Maybe I could have saved you, Lelouch… I could have helped you escape, like we always did…_

It was Suzaku who captured Lelouch, but Kallen had forgotten that the two had once been close friends.  _Back at Ashford they spoke like they’d known each other half a lifetime… and then they find themselves on opposite sides of a war they want to end. The son of the Japanese Prime Minster fighting for the Britannian Army… and a Britannian citizen leading the Black Knights against that army…_

Perhaps  _more_  than a mere citizen. Nunnally was Lelouch’s sister, and now she was hailed as a princess of Britannia, acting as Viceroy of Area 11. Did that make Lelouch a prince? Or had he been trusted to act as her brother to protect her identity? Were the Britannians just lying about Nunnally’s status to keep her as a public hostage, extra insurance against Zero attacking them? Even if they weren’t lying about her status, it meant there had to be more people than just Kallen and Suzaku who knew Lelouch’s secret; there was no other logical reason for Nunnally’s sudden rise to fame and power.  _How many people know who Zero really is?_   

Whatever the case, it was clear that Lelouch had deep affection for the new Viceroy.  _Refrain brings him back to his time together with Nunnally… and Suzaku._ What role did Suzaku play in everything? If he knew Lelouch as a child, he probably knew the truth about his and Nunnally’s status as Britannians, and he’d also know about Zero’s conflict of interest with Viceroy Nunnally. Knowing meant nothing, though— it wasn’t as if Suzaku could help Zero abduct the new Viceroy, or was like to join the Black Knights after having spent most his life becoming an honourary Britannian.  _Even if they had been good friends, they’re sworn enemies now._

For a moment, Kallen began to feel a thrum of pity for the Lelouch she saw blissfully hallucinating in front of her; however, it didn’t take long for that pity to transform back into anger. 

“Do you think you’re the only one who’s lost friends and family in this war? That your feelings are more important, or more real than ours?” She stared down at Lelouch with disgust, considering how good it would feel to kick him while he couldn’t defend himself. “Some of us have lost everything we hold dear! Our country is gone. Our identities are gone— we’re barely considered human anymore! I lost my brother. I’d lost you and Zero, too. The Black Knights nearly fell apart…”

Kallen felt the tears begin to escape from her eyes. She brushed them away angrily. “They won’t survive losing you again. I lost my mother to this damned drug, I’m not going to lose you too!”

It certainly wasn’t the way she had intended to say the speech, but circumstance left her with little choice. She knelt down beside Lelouch, pulling one of his arms around her shoulder and supporting him upright by his waist. Unfortunately, Lelouch was less cooperative than most conscious people in the fact that he did not adjust his weight with Kallen’s support, but was less compliant than an unconscious person in the fact that he still shifted on occasion unpredictably, several times almost forcing Kallen to drop him as she lead him out of the abandoned ghetto.

She wasn’t entirely sure where she was taking him, or what she was going to do with him after that, but she knew that she sure as hell wasn’t going to leave him in Shinjuku by himself. She couldn’t take him back to the Black Knights— that’d mean then she’d have to explain who the random Britannian student was. She couldn’t go back to school, since too many people knew who  _she_  was. If anything, Lelouch needed to go to the hospital— but if she did that, he’d suffer the same fate as her mother.  _I could go to an illegal facility… but it’d be idiotic to go alone. They’d just take my money and kill us both. If only I could trust a few Black Knights with Zero’s identity; then I could go in with backup ready. Maybe Ohgi…?_

Kallen didn’t have time to consider the matter further. As if out of nowhere, she found herself face-to-face with another young Britannian, complete in his school uniform.  _Ashford-? I don’t remember him._ The look of horror on his face made Kallen realize that having a bloody-faced boy slung across her shoulders was not one of the best positions in which to be found.

“What did you do to him?!” There was a noticeable degree of authority in the boy’s voice, despite his age. 

Kallen found herself fumbling at her words, taken off-guard by the whole situation. “I-I can explain! This isn’t what it looks—”

“—wait, aren’t you the Guren’s pilot?”

Kallen switched immediately from her innocent, embarrassed expression to a grave, threatened look. “Who the hell are you? What do you know?”

“What did you do to my brother?” The stranger advanced angrily towards Kallen, prompting her to take a startled step backwards.

“Your brother—?!”  _Lelouch never mentioned that he had a younger brother. Then again, he failed to mention that his sister was a Britannian Princess, either._ “I didn’t do anything to him. He’s hallucinating from the Refrain he took.”

As if on queue, Lelouch turned his head skyward, breathing in deeply, as if the ghetto air smelled of the ocean and flowers, not fuel and smog. “Ah, doesn’t that sun feel nice, Nunnally…?”

The boy’s eyes loosened, almost appearing hurt. “He… he wouldn’t…”

_That’s what I thought too. Apparently neither of us know him as well as we thought._ “I answered your questions, so you answer mine. Who are you? Why are you here? How much do you know about Lelouch?”

“I’m Rolo, his brother. I know everything about him— certainly more than you. Give him to me.”

Kallen scowled at that. “Yeah, that’s easy enough for you to say. He’s never mentioned a brother before— how do I know you aren’t just lying to me? I’m not trusting him to a complete stranger.  Besides, do you even know what the Refrain is doing to him? How do you plan on treating him— taking him to the hospital, where they’ll arrest him for illegal drug use?”

Rolo’s eyes narrowed again, this time with angry thought— for a moment, it looked as if he was considering attacking Kallen.  _As if he could take me on. He’s clearly a lightweight— if he knows I pilot the Guren, he should also know that I’m no pushover._ After a moment, though, he gave an irritated sound of defeat, conceding that Kallen had a point. 

“You know that I pilot the Guren. I assume that means that you know who Lelouch  _really_ is then, right? His other identity?”

Rolo paused, frowned, and finally nodded.

“That makes both of us. So you know that I’m on Lelouch’s side. If you want to gain my trust, help me help him. He needs medical attention, but we can’t take him to a public hospital. He’ll be thrown in jail as soon as he’s admitted, and we won’t have his miracles to pull him out of there.”  _I wonder if this Rolo knows about Geass… I’d better not mention it either way._ “Ever since Refrain’s hit the streets, there’ve been a lot of illicit medical care centres popping up. Most of them are run by the same corrupt bastards that sell the drugs to the public…”

“You want to take him to a bunch of money-grabbing creeps working out of back alleyways?” 

“Yes. Going alone would just be foolish, though— there’s nothing to stop these sort of criminals from just killing you and taking your money. They don’t have any honour. You have to deal with guns pointed at each other’s heads… but it’s the only option there is.” Kallen made a noise of effort as Lelouch began to chortle to himself again and struggled against her support, wriggling the fingers on his free hand in some bizarre pattern. “It’s that, or we let the drugs do as they want and leave Lelouch an invalid.”

It was obvious that Rolo disliked the situation as much as Kallen did, but he did not argue with her logic. “…do you even know where we’d find one of these centres?”

“I know  _how_ we’d find one easily. That’s no problem. Knowing who I could trust to go into one is the problem…”

“I’ll help you.”

Kallen scoffed. “I’m going to need more than just one student if things get nasty. They could outnumber us ten to one, and we’d be limited in what weapons we could bring… no Knightmares to guard us either.”

“I’ll help you. Don’t worry about that,” Rolo said calmly. “Lelouch isn’t the only one who can work miracles.”

Kallen had to use all her self-control to not change her expression.  _Geass-?!_ “You can’t be serious. If things go wrong, we’re all as good as dead— you and Lelouch included.”

With an alarming snap, Lelouch lifted his head and focused his unseeing gaze ahead, expression urgent but not unsmiling. “Q1, come in.”

“Zero?” The word escaped Kallen’s mouth without her permission; it was hard to ignore habit when Zero’s voice called her by that name, even knowing that he was on a hallucinatory trip. Ignoring the scathing look Rolo gave her was much easier.

“Q1, lead a feint behind the warehouse at point alpha. Try to push them back towards their rear defence; neutralize them if you can. R4, R5— flank the enemy’s counterattack as they try to encircle N2. N2 will fall back and regroup with the rest of R team; use the subway line if they try to follow you, we’ll trap them in a bottleneck…”

_He’s… he’s remembering battle?!_ She knew that Zero came alive on the battlefield, but she’d hardly considered the times she’d spent in combat as overly fond memories.  _Refrain just exposes all of our secrets, doesn’t it…?_

“Let’s get going right away. There’s no time to waste.” Rolo took his position on Lelouch’s opposite side, wiping some of the blood from his face with a handkerchief before mirroring Kallen’s supportive stance. “Don’t worry big brother… everything’s going to be alright. I’ll make sure of it.”

Kallen was sure to keep a careful eye on Rolo as they continued on their way out of the ghetto.  _Refrain made Lelouch remember Nunnally and Suzaku… me, the Black Knights… but nothing about a brother._

* * * 

Rolo was glad he didn’t kill Kallen at first sight; she was more useful than he had anticipated. Even before they managed to haul Lelouch to the Shinjuku station, she had already begun listing things they had to prepare. They first had to make sure Lelouch didn’t draw too much attention to the three of them before the hallucinations wore off— that meant keeping his movements subdued, and his voice quiet. Thankfully, his memories had been rather unexciting for the most part, but Kallen pointed out that it would only take another simple mention of Zero or the Black Knights for that to all change. 

“If things start going badly, act like he’s drunk.” Kallen pulled out a pair of sunglasses and used them to hide Lelouch’s blanched gaze. “People will think they’ve figured out our secret and be happy to ignore us. We’re young enough that a drunk friend seems reason enough to be acting suspicious.”

It wasn’t a foolproof plan, but it did manage to get them through the crowded train ride. They had been partially successful in feigning whispered conversation with Lelouch’s sporadic mumbling, but there were times when his hallucinations became intense and his voice grew loud and commanding. It drew a few scornful eyes, but Kallen was quick to clamp Lelouch’s mouth closed and give him a reprimanding “shush” before he said anything incriminating. At one point, Rolo was certain that a particularly stern-eyed Britannian was going to approach and uncover them after several minutes of suspicious glances in their direction, but before Rolo felt jeopardized enough to use his Geass and silence the man, he got off at one of the stops in the Toshima district without even turning for a final glance.  _People may judge and scorn everyone around them, but they’re far too content to stay nestled in their own little worlds._

They stayed on the Yamanote all the way to Ueno. By that point, Lelouch had fallen silent for the most part, his abnormally innocent smile slowly disappearing from his face. Dawn was already breaking upon the narrow streets and alleyways when they stumbled off the platform, and Rolo took note of the heavy shadows under Kallen’s eyes as she scanned their surroundings left and right. 

“Alright  _Rolo,_ ” she said his name with an edge of contempt, as if questioning if it were really his, “it’s time to put you to the test.” 

She spoke without looking at him, instead leading their strange six-legged ensemble to a vacant bench beside a fresh-air fruit stand that hadn’t opened for the day yet.

“Prove yourself trustworthy. Stay here with Lelouch while I find out where one of these places are.”

“Stay here?” Rolo asked slowly, his tone insulted. With only two of them, it did make sense for one of them to keep an eye on Lelouch while the other searched for the invisible medical centre, and Kallen was less conspicuous in the Eleven-dominated area, but Rolo still wasn’t fond of the idea of sitting like a paperweight while his brother’s brains slowly deteriorated. “I thought the whole point of this was to have someone else with you. What if you get attacked?”

“I’m not completely defenceless, you know.” Kallen freed herself from Lelouch’s limp arm, leaving Rolo with the full weight of his body as they plopped down into the cement seat. “I’ll also make sure I only deal near the well-populated streets. No one should want to make a scene if they don’t want to be heard and found. We’ll go in together, but for now I’ll draw less attention alone.”

His constant inability to question her logic was just short of infuriating. “Alright, fine. Just get moving. Don’t waste any time.” 

Kallen gave a curt nod before disappearing down one of the roads. Rolo closely watched the area for a while, eyeing each passerby with suspicious caution, but after several minutes of silence his focus wavered and his guard dropped, unimpressed by the threats that Ueno had to offer him.

He turned his attention instead to his brother— or rather, the shell of a body that hopefully still contained his brother. Rolo had heard the horror stories of Refrain’s affects on the mind, but some of the more popular gruesome details could be mere sensationalism intended to frighten the public and discourage new users. At the very least, Rolo found it a more comforting thought than accepting the possibility of them becoming reality.

Rolo needed all the comforting thoughts he could— his mind was operating in a rather unhealthy place. Even aside from the obvious danger of the situation and his annoyance at being forced to take orders from one of Zero’s lackeys, he hadn’t failed to notice that his brother’s hallucinations held no mention of him. He spoke of Kallen, Suzaku, Shirley, even Rivalz and Milly, but not a single mention of his own name, nor the existence of a brother at all. Worse yet, Lelouch mumbled and laughed more about Nunnally than all the others combined. With his memories back to their former state, Lelouch was more than well aware that the majority of his memories of Rolo were fabrications and alterations of his times with his sister.

_It could be that the memories that returned to him are the ones that he values most for the moment. It wasn’t that long ago that they all suddenly returned to him — it only makes sense that those are the ones that affect him the most right now. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t care about me…_

Yet there was no denying what Rolo was: the figure that the Emperor chose as a stand-in for Nunnally, the sister for whom Lelouch was willing to jeopardize his entire revolution. Rolo was a walking reminder of the punishment that Lelouch was forced to endure, a lie intended to take away that which meant most to him. It wasn’t hard to believe that there was some part of him that hated Rolo’s very existence, meaning the memories of him were hated just as equally.

When an unknown object met Rolo’s head with a soft  _thud_ , his heart faltered and hand shot up in reflex to strike it away. He managed to stop himself before doing so, though, when he realized that the supposed attack was actually Lelouch’s head tilting over to rest on his own, as if he was some kind of pillow. Rolo was uncertain how to react to the gesture— his brother had never really been one for excessive physical displays of affection. Of course, the action was likely only due to his loss of muscle control— 

“Don’t worry… I’m right here…” Lelouch spoke so softly that, even in such close proximity, Rolo almost didn’t hear him; were it not for the soft tickle of breath he felt, warm on his cheek, he might have thought himself imagining the words. “I’m here for you. Your big brother will always be there for you…”

Rolo knew that if he turned to look at his brother, he risked upsetting the delicate position that they shared. All the same, a part of him could still see one last smile lingered on Lelouch’s face as his breathing drew shallow and subdued. Even after several minutes of considering his brother’s words, Rolo was unable to tell if the tears that stained his face were formed out of some sort of naïve happiness, or as a manifestation of the sharp, cynical envy he felt stabbing inside him.

_Those words were meant for Nunnally, weren’t they? Just like the locket you gave me. Just like the feelings you had for me. Everything you’ve ever given me, you meant to give to Nunnally first. I’ve been nothing but a placeholder to you, haven’t I? A temporary substitute to be disposed of once you take Nunnally back…_

And why was that a surprise? Both Rolo and Lelouch knew the truth; they weren’t actually brothers. Lelouch was Zero, and Rolo was a spy meant to report on his actions, ordered to kill him if he began acting as Zero again. Why should — rather, why  _would_ either feel anything even remotely resembling fondness for the other? What sort of logic was there in childishly hoping that Lelouch didn’t hate him?

_Simple,_ Rolo acknowledged quickly enough, _my entire life has consisted only of people exploiting me, using me for my powers, in hopes of benefitting themselves and never once thinking of me as anything more than a tool. Just once… just this one time, I wanted someone to think of me as an actual human being— care for me as a person, not a weapon. For someone to have concern for me not because I’m useful, but because they care about my life._

Exactly like how Lelouch felt about Nunnally. The young princess was just about the poster child for a living hindrance — if her paralysis wasn’t already enough of a challenge, her blindness made her completely helpless to the world. And yet she still had the utter love and devotion of her older brother. Why was that? She had no objective value that made her worth keeping around, even as a Princess of Britannia. There was no logical reasoning for Lelouch going to such drastic ends for her sake— aside, of course, from the fact that they were siblings. But that was hardly sufficient reason; there were plenty of other siblings who wouldn’t give each other so much as the time of day. What made Nunnally so special? What was it that made Lelouch so fiercely loyal to her? It didn’t make any sense. How could Rolo hope to even come close to achieving the same thing if he couldn’t even understand it?

It took a great amount of effort to suppress the swelling gnaw of frustration in his thoughts.  _No. I can’t let myself think this way. I won’t accomplish anything by dwelling on it like this._

“Maybe you do hate me, brother. And I probably deserve that, for all that I’ve done. Maybe you are just using me, just like everyone else I’ve ever known.” Rolo found his teeth gritting involuntarily as he spoke. “That just means I’ll just have to earn your feelings. I’ll prove myself worthy of them— I’ll use my actions to show that you can count on me, rather than just counting on the memories you were given. I’ll be as loyal and useful as possible. Even if you hate me now… I’ll just have to prove to you that I am worth keeping.”

Lelouch did not react to the commitment he was promised. His torso rose and fell as he inhaled and exhaled soundlessly, the rhythm rocking him into what seemed like a restful sleep. Rolo found his brother’s hand laying disused at his side; he took it into a tight grasp, interlacing the two sets of fingers together to ensure his contact was felt and his intentions were clear.


End file.
